I Ate ‘Elf’ Maple Syrup Goldfish

Merry Christmas!

(Wait, what month is it?)

Apparently no one told my local gas station that it’s early March. Because they are still selling Elf branded “Maple Syrup Grahams” Goldfish crackers, inspired by the beloved 2003 film starring Will Ferrell as Buddy, a human man-child who grows up at the North Pole with Santa Claus and his elves, and then experiences quite a culture shock when he ventures into modern society for the first time in his life.

Part of that shock comes from Buddy’s diet, which is informed by elves’ eating habits — which consist of nothing but sweets and carbs. In one of Elf’s most famous scenes, Buddy makes himself a breakfast of spaghetti, candy, crumbled Pop-Tarts, and maple syrup. As he stuffs his mouth with the sickly sweet concoction, the spaghetti strands dangle from his lips, coating his entire chin in syrupy goo.

The whole joke is that Buddy’s concept of “good food” is disgusting. And yet as Elf has grown into a modern classic, more and more companies have offered Elf-branded food items. Recent offerings include Elf sugar cookies, Elf gingerbread Fudge Stripes, Elf candy canes, and even Elf breakfast cereal. (Thankfully, it was not spaghetti flavored.)

If you can sell Elf breakfast cereal, why not Elf maple syrup Goldfish too? Clearly, if they slap the Elf brand on anything food-related, someone will buy it. And that someone is me, the dummy who purchsed these things (even though their expiration date is less than a month away!) when I saw them this week at my local convenience store.

Granted, I am not just doing this out of morbid curiosity or because I hate myself, although those were definitely both contributing factors to my decision. I also did it because I do my best to eat all foods inspired by movies. Why? Well, someone has to. Or maybe I’m just stupid. I don’t even know anymore.

Below you can watch my first taste and review of borderline stale Elf Goldfish crackers…

READ MORE: I Ate Squid Game Beef Jerky

I will give the ad wizards behind this quasi-monstrous creation this much credit: They didn’t just go for a flavor profile that evokes the movie. By invoking the phrase “maple syrup Goldfish,” they really captured the I-just-threw-up-in-my-mouth-a-little vibe of that scene with Buddy and the breakfast spaghetti. Maple syrup Goldfish sounds like the galaxy-brained invention of a lunatic who has spent his life being raised at the Arctic Circle by Ed Asner.

Plus the actual taste was not nearly as terrible as I expected. The texture, with all that heavy dust getting all over my hands, I could have lived without. I’m just not a fan of dusty foods; it’s the main reason I’m not a huge Cheetos guy either. (I swear to Ed Asner: If they make Elf Cheetos, I’m out of here.) Still, this is far from the worst thing I have eaten for this job.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go find the Harry Potter butterbeer-flavored Goldfish. And to all, a good night.